Today’s the day I reflect back on my life and all the if’s, would’s, could’s and should’s start popping in my head. My ego and pride is getting the best over me that I feel that I’m so much more capable than where I am now. Perhaps it’s just like another whiny story that 90% of the other world goes through.

But what if I didn’t have to move from Seoul to Jaskava to Paris to London to Singapore to Saudi? Would I have actually been fundamentally solid in one language so I wouldn’t have this fucked up way of translating everything in my head to understand everything?

What if my parents didn’t break up and leave me in a foreign country for a year as a kid to live with a stranger? Would I have been less emotionally distraught to actually be a normal child?

What if I didn’t have to go through the multiple brain, heart, and groin surgeries and wasn’t held back two years in school? Would I have retained my capabilities that everyone so much looked forward to?

What if I didn’t have to witness multiple close friends pass away before my eyes? Would I have been less traumatized and not turn out so damn emotional?

What if my mother wasn’t sick in bed half the time and doctors from around the world actually knew what’s wrong with her? Would I have done better because I would have less to worry about, and didn’t have to manage everything within the house?

What if I didn’t have the burden of carrying out responsibilities of holding up our family name as the eldest child, and my dad didn’t graduate from Seoul University and wasn’t considered the best employee Samsung ever had? Would I have been less stressed that I had room for failure, that I didn’t have to withhold this so highly regarded reputation from both family and acquaintances?

What if I didn’t end up being diagnosed with clinical depression in the most important academical high school year, and didn’t resort to games and solitude as a way to hide from my problems? Would I have not wasted time doing useless things and carried on with my life?

What if Social Security didn’t bang on my door and further separate me from my parents? Would they have given at least some kind of support that I was in dire need for?

What if I didn’t have to work hours after school for those disgusting green pieces of paper? Would I have more time to focus on what I needed to do as a student rather than an illegal part-time worker instead of coming back home at midnight to finish everything?

What if after everything started to get better, reality didn’t remind you that death is a sickening natural human cycle which all of us are prisoners to? Would I have stopped pretending to be what I wasn’t regardless of what happened, and not bottle everything inside again?

What if I wasn’t so prideful of myself, that I didn’t become frustrated in everything that I couldn’t do that I knew I could do? Would I have given more effort rather than quitting everything that I felt I became “behind” in?

What if I wasn’t so fucking negative and could get over the past that took much of the 18 years of my life?

I realize that life is full of the unexpected, and everyone has had their fair share of it. But when I look at where I have to go, it’s just disappointing that I wasn’t mature enough to be more optimistic towards the future, and still am immature that I’m letting petty emotions and regrets become excuses for my doings.

The thing is I realize how stupid I sound, but I want to rant anyway.